We as a generation are seemingly progressing toward one of open-mindedness and acceptance, as we become more and more tolerant of love and, in some respects, even perceived gender expressions within both personal and impersonal interactions with the world. Although many high schools for decades have become insurmountable pools in which LGBT students have been left to drown, with the advocacy of Gay-Straight Alliance groups throughout the world, they, now, have become battlegrounds on which to combat heterosexism, homophobia, and transphobia. It is now relatively common to find even heterosexual youth who hold positions as treasurers, secretaries, vice presidents, and presidents in their schools’ clubs (as I did). For these reasons, it cannot be denied that straight allyship among students is on the rise, and will continue to do so as we evolve as a larger society. This being so, we cannot exemplify a message and identity of allyship without the development of allyship as a powerful and tolerant action. Commonly, though many straight individuals wear the word “ally” with almost the same comfort as their own name, some still struggle with their own heterosexist tendencies and are ultimately detrimental to the cause. Here are a few tips to be, at least minimally, a much better ally in the long run. (These tips are not limited to straight allies, because allyship is a necessary aspect for anyone involved in order to understand other identities different from your own.)
1. Remove offensive and derogatory terms from your vocabulary. Some include, but are not limited to “fag(got)”, “dyke”, “butch”, “pussy”, “femme”, “tranny”, “that’s so gay”, “grow a pair”, etc.
Often times, even very open-minded individuals fall into socially acceptable or habitual modes of communication that are very easily adopted, but at the same time are very easily harmful in a more personal context. Words like these make many people feel out of place, or even threatened and self-conscious. The goal of being an ally, one may argue, is to create a safe-zone through acceptance and advocacy. Abrasive words, though often seeming harmless, leave harsh but lasting memories that may be held onto for years to come. I still carry with me vivid memories of men screaming “faggot” at a thirteen-year-old me from speeding cars, hate echoing in their throats, veins popping from their temples. We as a socially conscious people cannot let even our words betray our beliefs.
2. Don’t assume that you automatically know the sexual orientation of someone else. Your “gaydar” is not fool proof, no matter how strongly you believe it is.
There is a tendency for straight allies, as well as members of the LGBT community, to try to spot the “gay”, and even more so, to “report” him or her. Sexual orientation cannot be determined simply by the clothes one wears, the way they speak, the way they talk, their masculinity or femininity, or even their romantic partner to some extent. The only way to know for sure is verbal confirmation, but, even then, it is important to recognize that the only reason knowing someone’s sexual orientation may be relevant is if you are personally romantically interested in them. Still, it is not uncommon to hear both LGBT members and allies painting their tongues with, “I know he’s gay”, “He doesn’t seem gay”, and “I can always tell.”
3. Be an open-minded listener and willing to talk.
Many people, in their strife towards acceptance or self-identification, just need someone to talk with about their situation. Of course, if no one lends them the ear they are looking for, they begin to feel alone in this struggle, a feeling that is, in fact, far from accurate. With a goal of healthy communication in mind, however, both parties involved will be able to convey their own needs, concerns, or appraisal. This allows us to progress from civil rights standpoint as well as a personal standpoint because there is a sense cooperation produced from the interaction.
4. Don’t limit your perceptions of your gay friends and family to just “gay”, nor your conversations to only “gay topics”.
Sometimes, excited to have joined the fight for social change in regards to gay rights, straight allies make the simple mistake of social and communicative limitation. Often without realizing what they are doing, they decide to only discuss topics that relate to homosexuality, completely abandoning the possibility of healthy social relationships with the very same people they are interested in fighting for. In doing this, you not only create an environment with someone else that may be boring and monotonous, but also convey a belief that someone is only gay, without any other important or valuable aspects to share. This would be just as counterproductive as limiting your conversations with your black friends to strictly “black” issues. Although the intention may be to express acceptance or tolerance, it can, if enacted too often, instead convey a form of prejudice.
5. Consistently use the gender pronoun an individual wishes to be referred to with (he, she, zie).
Of course, for some, one’s gender expression does not automatically parallel with his, her, or hir biological sex. When transgender, gender neutral, and otherwise genderqueer individuals adopt a new gender expression, they, too, expect to be validated with the appropriate pronoun, at least from those who identify with the gay community. Be conscious when referring to others by their pronouns, and if you are unsure, pay attention to their words and actions and the words and actions of others. Take time to learn the proper gender neutral pronouns, use them when appropriate, and take time to teach them to others.
6. Understand the connection between heterosexism and other forms of discrimination.
No form of discrimination is just one form. Heterosexism holds within itself incredibly cogent sexist ideals, including a fear of the feminine, as well as racism, cultural insensitivity, and so on. As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” Once someone, as an ally, develops that simple understanding, he or she will be able to progress into a powerful social and civil rights advocate, potent in their ability to debate, comprehend and develop informed opinions on LGBT issues.
Now, although I have provided you with a brief overview of some of the actions I believe can make a better ally, I encourage you to explore some more that are relevant to you and to check out GLAAD’s “10 Ways to Be an Ally & a Friend”. To be an ally is not to attain an identity, but to explore a journey of advocacy and personal relationship with the intent of support in the face of adversity. Let us find our journey.
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